Silly Hopeless Girl

ok so...i havent been on like AT ALL lately cause i dont have internet yet and im on a library computer so could you PLEASE NOT SEND ME CHAINMAIL. i just checked my mail and i have 223 new messages and probably 200 of them are forwards and crap so please do not send that to me. i dont have a lot of time to be deleting junk so yeah try to only send my things worth reading that are important (story updates, mcr news, and all that jazz)

THANK YOU

!<3! Ashley !<3!

my parents, divorced since i was 2, are having a civil and normal conversation. =O oh my hot damn. i think its a sign of the apocolypse. i seriously cant remember the last time they talked like friends and not complete enemies.

 

wow.

 

i hate how you make me feel.

scared because i shouldnt still have feelings for you.

guilty because i think i made a mistake.

jealous because she has you now.

confused because i cant make up my mind.

if its not real than why does it hurt so much? why do i get the feeling i'll throw up my lunch whenever you look at me? why do certain love songs make me think of you? why is it subconscious to think of you? why does my heart feel like its burning? why do i feel like an IDIOT?! auuuuuuuuuuuuuughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggggggggggggaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr

i just wish you would stop...just... gah being YOU. and i wish i would stop being ME.

heart. you there. yeah im talkin to you. stop catching on fire when i think about him.

and mind. hey you up there. push him off and shove all thoughts of him out my ear.

music. stop playing love songs NOW.

haha at least i can control that last one.

dammit eyes. turn off the fuckin faucet!!!@

ok.

weeeee they are coming to pensacola which is only a few hours from where i live AND muse...that.would.be. AWESOME!!! ::sigh:: they were/are incredible when i saw them on december 3rd and i want to go sooooo bad but then again parents suck...."its a school day and i kno u love them but u cant skip school and i cant skip work for a concert and blah blah fuckin blah...." so yeah...my 14th birthday would suck major ass if i cant go :[[[

weeeeee so the other day i watching supernatural on the wb or whatever they changed the station 2 and there was this one scene and sam was in a bar and then there was faint music and the background and guess what it was???? it was SUPERMASSIVE BLACK HOLE!!! and i flipped out and was like ahhhh fuck yeah!!! that rocks!! hehe woo.....*cough* yeah i just thought i'd share that with u music luvers...blargh

 

</3 ashley </3

ahhh so i was talking to my sister on myspace about this fanfic that i'm reading and she was like,"You're still reading fanfictions!?!?!?!!?!?! ashley! You need to realize that life doesnt revolve around a slightly chubby boy in tight pants that you'll never talk to!!" altho it did make me giggle it was soon followed by a humongo gasp of my offendedness...gah! haha i still love her <3

wesnaw

</3 Ashley </3

mwah!

gah ok i havent posted anything in forever and im bored and irritated so dont read on anymore if u dont care i just need 2 rant like an idiot blah.

 

i swear my mom just ABSOLUTELY LOVES to make me feel like a loser ok so yeah i know im a loser but she loves to let me kno she knows and gahhiweuh giu oier gorgho qeosidjosei thbjoeahg oaHIwg oiearh goh yeah im shy and she just doesnt get that. "oh ashley, y dont u go outside and make sum friends...and blah blah blah" but really that is easier said than done!! bkfjd nkdjf kjdg stupid me i feel soo gah!!!!!! TELLING ME TO STOP BEING A WEIRD LONER OUTCAST KID IS NOT HELPING ME FEEL ANY BETTER ABOUT IT!!!! ugh....its not like i dont want to..its that i cant!!! i wanna have friends, i want 2 be able 2 talk 2 sum1 but im scared...im scared that they will make fun of me like so many other people have, im scared they'll hate me, im scared they wont accept me

 

....dagh

 

</3 ashley </3

im currently obsessed with a song by each of these wonderful artists

Meds by Placebo && The Theft by Atreyu

the lyrics of the theft are great MIND-BLOWING...here look at them NOW!!! *ehem*.....i forgot 2 take my meds lol

The Theft

He bends and he breaks
If he gives they will take away
His passion, his pain, his grace

He exhales,
A thousand black flowers explode
Into butterflies as they're away

[Chorus:]
Rip them out, take them,
Burn to coals as they crush and leave nothing
That resembles a soul of a man
See him numb, see him crushed (see him numb, see him crushed)
Rip them out, take them
Burn to coals as they crush and leave nothing
That resembles a soul of a man
Leave them numb, leave them crushed (leave them numb, leave them crushed)

Took the fire inside
One too many times
He's burning over and out now,
He flails
Up against the raging tides,
No more sides
Everything you ever wanted to see,
See it in his eyes
One more time, one more time

Climb down to test the waters,
My hands feel like they're rusting away, yeah, yeah, yeah,
So I'll pace around like a limb before the slaughter
I'll stay here as long as you let me,
Decision's been made obvious so I will return
Where I started I'll stay here
When I'm finished I'll whither away

Rip them out, take them,
Burn to coals as they crush and leave nothing
That resembles a soul of a man
See him numb, see him crushed (see him numb, see him crushed)
Rip them out, take them
Burn to coals as they crush and leave nothing
That resembles a soul of a man
Leave them numb, leave them crushed (leave them numb, leave them crushed)

yes! it was the best day of my life and even better than i expected!!! and taking back sunday did and amazing job also. and well my chemical romance they just plain rocked my fucking face off, i LOVED it. and dont worry my boozenet people, i took lotsa pictures!!! my seats werent that great but i took a lot of the screen and a lot of them turned out good. the ones i took of the stage are far away but still good. but i cant post them rite now cuz i need my parents 2 help me upload it on the puter cuz i dont kno how lol but they songs my chem played are: (in no particual order cuz i dont member)

The End

Dead!

This Is How I Disappear

I'm Not Okay

Thank You For The Venom

Cemetary Drive

I Dont Love You

Teenagers

Mama

Famous Last Words

Give Em Hell Kid

House Of Wolves

...Prison...

Welcome To The Black Parade

Helena

 and gerard was so awesum and he was dying on stage and he laid on the ground and all u could see was his arm in the air and we had 2 scream 2 save him it was pretty funny lol and when they were about 2 play im not ok he said this song is called three cheers 4 sweet revenge and i was like what? it was just the cutest thing, i guess he got tongue tied lol

so ill be sure 2 post those pix laterz

<3 ashley <3

 

 

 

I GET 2 SEE MY HEROS, MT CHEMICAL ROMANCE!!!(c'mon who else?!)  WOO!!!!!!! IM SOSOSOSOSS EXCITED!!!!!! lets see we are leaving at about 7 for tampa and its 6;10 rite now....gah my parents are the so......IUDHFCISEUHFSJ  WIEJ *ehem* let me explain that.....

ya see my parents are not normal, they just have 2 make everything completely a suprise! like in my pervious journal when i was getting the black parade they tricked and said they couldnt get and told me i had 2 wait a week and i cried (shut up) lol so my mom couldnt stand making me cry and broke down and said i was just kidding here!! and gave me the cd...but this time they got me ssoooooooo good. ok let me just tell u what happened already.

well it starts yesterday and my parents came home fighting...again, i mean they always fight so it was no big deal and i sayed out of their way and normally i'd remind them about the tickets and ask if they got them (cuz they didnt get them ahead of time) but i didnt cuz they were already pissed off as it was so i left it alone. so they next night (last nite) my mom said she's not sure if we can go but i had 2 ask my step dad, but he was at work and he said that he would try 2 get them after work so whatever. soooooooo i waited in anticipation all day and he came home and told me 2 talk 2 him in his bedroom i started to get really nervoius and thought i was in trouble but no he had a really sad  look on his face and i was like what? he said, " ashley, i am so so sorry but we couldnt get the tickets in time b4 they sold out". and i started 2 break down (oh like u wouldnt lol) we continued," im really sorry bcuz i promised, i promised u i would take u 2 c mcr if they were anywhere atlanta to tampa and i was so upset and went 2 my room. i was so depressed and upset and just sat there and cried in my room (ok stop laughing at me i kno i cry a lot but, need i remind u its MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE) anyways i figured yup this is the end of the world i hate my parents 4 life, this is hell, i thought the liar, he never wanted me 2 be happy (but i will learn that is oh so untrue) i was so upset about it i was going 2 do an idiotic thing but its so addicting when u start just to take out all ur pain...im guessin u kno what im talking about but i forced myself not 2 and it was hard but i thoougth about mcr and how they dont want their fans 2 do that so i restained myself and settled 4 scratching my arm. i dug my long black nails in my skin and drag them down my arm/wrist, leaving red slash marks, praying that it would bleed....then i heard a knock on my door. they were like ashley!! open the door!!!! and i was like y?! and they said bcuz i said so now do it!!! and i was thinking oh shit, what? and i did and they came in my doorway. chris (my step dad) said ashley look at the planetfest tickets (i have all my concert tickets posted up on my wall near my door) and i said yeah...ok i kno we went 2 planetfest thank u im just upset about mcr!! cuz i thought he was trying 2 make a point that i was lucky enuf 2 have gone 2 planetfest, then he said ashley!! look above the ticket!! and there was a blu/green ticket now may i mind u i didnt have my glasses on and id been crying 4 the past 20 minutes. then i saw 97x next big thing (with mcr as the headliner) and i could not believe they tricked me again and i didnt knko it was mcr cuz my old Kc and the sunshine band ticket looks exactly the same (dont ask lol) but this time it was wayyyy worse they started laughing and cheering and i just stood there and cried into chris shirt saying how much i hate him and i love him and thank you lol then they told me that it was there for THE PAST WEEK!!! but im too blind 2 have noticed!!! i was like hot damn!! but yeah i have THE MEANEST AND AWESUMEST PARENTS EVER!!!! lmao so c ya bitchez lateaz cuz ima go see my lovelys!!! :)

oh yeah the line up:

mcr

taking back sunday

angels and airwaves

30 seconds to mars

three days grace

blue october

kill hannah

the red jumpsuit apparatus

say anything

ok go

shin toy guns

<3 ashley <3

..... , ,_____________________
..... / `---___________----_____|] -----------BANG BANG-------
...../_==o;;;;;;;;_______|
.... / ______|
.....), _(__) /
....// (..) ), ----"
...//___//
..//___//
.//___//

 

 

gah  im bored...and no i didnt make this

:

i went 2 plantfest last saturday and i saw:

the red jumpsuit apparatus

hoobastank

hinder

candelbox

buckcherry

harloe

and sum other bands but i cant remember at the moment

yeah that lil thing in the air thats circled is me lol i was on sumbody's shoulders

 

 

ok yeah this is the rest of that thing i posted the other day. i found it on this girl i kno, devin's myspace blog. i dont kno if she wrote it but it is amazing and so true. yeah its reeaaallly long lol

 

This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and neither are the guys they're interested in.

This is for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper or touch because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe, just maybe this time he'll have understood.

This is homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't even deserve their attention.

 This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom but won't because it's easier to sleep with some whore than foster a relationship.

This is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches - all of which were either true for the moment or never real to begin with.

This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and their heart and their bed only to discover he's just not ready, he's just not over her, and hes just not looking to be tied down.

 This is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that he doesn't want you, it's that he doesn't want anyone.

This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes shattered by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place.

This is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, standing a little too near, or whispering a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup.

This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship, it was he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or the night his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had, YOU.

This is for the night you realized that it would never happen and how the sun didn't seem to shine the same the next morning.

This is for the "I really like you so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation then he ever intended.

 This is for never realizing that just like you chose your friends, you chose the ones that eventually make you cry yourself to sleep.

This is for the girls who have been used and abused and endured what he was giving because at least it was something.

This is for the stupidity of the nights we believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd ever wanted.

This is for the girls who have been satisfied with too little and who have learned to never expect anything anymore and for the girls who don't think that they deserve more because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is for the hugs you've received from your girls, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and truly worthy of a great guy.

 This is for the heartaches and the headaches, the laughter and the tears, how you love him and hate him and wish he would just die even though you know, you would die without him.

This one, is for us girls...

This is for the girl who does not strive to be perfect for the world... but strives to be perfect for you.

This is for the girl who still sees everything she ever wanted wrapped up in everything that you are.

This is for that girl who still remembers the first thing you ever said to her.

This is for the girl who has spent years memorizing every little quirk about you.

 This is for her, the one who wants nothing more than to be there for you and love you the way she knows only she could.

The girl who waited for you after you lost the big game, and knew that the last thing you wanted to do was hear more patronizing, so she just sat there with you, so you werent alone.

The girl who felt the pain you felt and saw the tears in your eyes and had to muster all the power in her not to cry with you, to try to take some of your pain and make it her own.

This is for the girl who sees a little bit of you in every boy she meets.

She sees these similarities because she looks for boys who possess them, although it may very well be an unconscious thing.

 She seeks boys like you, but still knows deep down in her heart that no one will ever compare. This is for the girl who stands idly by, watching you fall in and out of love with girls who arent her, girls she will never be.

 This is for the girl who has tried everything in her power to make you see yourself as she sees you.

This is for her... the one who relates every sad song, book, or movie to the way she feels about you.

This is for the girl who knows your flaws and values them as much as she does your strong points.

 This is for the girls who still cant bring her to hate you, although you probably deserve it.

 This is for her the one girl who had the courage to give you her entire heart, knowing full well that you would only abuse it.

This is for the girl who realizes that all of her efforts are in vain, but cares so much about you that she still manages not to regret a single moment spent with you.

She realizes that she will never have your heart, but she will carry the image of you inside of hers forever.

This is for that girl she still cries herself to sleep, but lets you think shes okay just so you dont have to feel a pang of guilt.

 This is the girl who sees in you everything you cannot see yourself.

 She sees everything that you can be, and everything that you already are.

She sees all of this and she loves you anyway, even though you cant love her back. This is for her she deserves it.

This is for the heartaches and the headaches, the laughter and the tears, how you love him and hate him and wish he would just die even though you know, you would die without him.

yup...this sux.

i feel like the only damn loser on buzznet and myspace cuz this has got 2 be the worst halloween ever. i did sum stupid shit with my parents and my little brother isnt here and he's pretty much m joy in life and we went 2 this gay ass babtist church and watched a weird play about going 2 hell and eternity and stuff...uh huh. then we were gunna go 2 this haunted house and carnival, but it was closed and i live in a fuckin hell house cuz all the damn women including me and fucking attitudes from the deepest depths of hell do 2 that absofrigginlutely bitchy time of the month sorry i kno, more than u wanted 2 kno. and my mom and brother made me feel like even more shit cuz i have no friends in my neighborhood. my brother went out with his friends and he didnt want me 2 come cuz he doesnt like me around them and my mom was like y dont u make any friends like evan so u can hang out with them? can u at least try? and i was oh hell no, did u just say that? i mean she has no idea how insanely shy i am and that nobody likes me cuz my sorry excuse 4 a brother spreads lies about me and ah gah i hate being a damn loser..i need food...maybe a good fanfic will cheer me up, damn i'm such a loser.

 

i highly doubt anybody will read this pointless journal but hey who gives a fuck?

YES!!!ok yesterday me mama said i could get the new mcr cd and when she came home she had a funny look on her face. she said, "um ashley, could we possiblily get the cd next week when i have money cuz i just bought the halloween horror nights tickets..." and she knows how i am about mcr and the new cd, that was the only thing i could talk about 4 months and i counted the days and always screammed whenever i heard anything about it. and rite when she said that i really couldnt help it, i started 2 cry!! yes i cried like a little baby. she was like, "awww ashley! please dont cry!! i can get it next week!" and i couldnt help it, so i sat there sobbing my eyes out and then she said," I'm sorry!!! here! i was just kidding!" and she handed me a small yellow best buy bag! and that only made me cry more cuz i felt like a total idiot! i cant believe she did that!!! it was so mean and she was like," ahh im sorry! u were gonna make me cry!!!" lol so yeah and yes i did scream my fucking head off when it touched my palm lol and i kissed it and ran 2 my room 2 go listen 2 it, ahhh i love it so much!!!

lol u will not believe what my mother just called me. she said, "you-you- MCR WHORE! lmao i was like what!? she said, "yeah, u and all ur mcr stuf, ur an mcr whore!" lol and just last week she called me an eyeliner whore!!!

yeah i just thought i'd share that with ya'll..... ::sigh::....

OMG!!!!!! IM SO FUCKING HAPPY!!!! IM FINALLY GOING 2 C MCR LIVE 4 THE FIRST TIME IN MY SHORT SUCKISH LIFE!!!!! YAY!!! they r finally coming sumwhat close 2 j-ville! well acctually in tampa but thats the closest but they r coming on the 97x next big thing tour on decmber 3rd!!! and my second favorite band is going 2 be there and a lot of oither reeeeeal;lly good ones

my chemical romance

taking back sunday!

three days grace

the red jumpsuit apparatus

30 seconds to mars

angels and airwaves

blue october

kill hannah

say anything

ok go

plain white t's

yeah i think thats it but it IS GOING 2 BE THE BEST DAMN DAY OF MY LIFE!!! HELLLLLLZZZZZ YEAH!!!

im so hhhhhyyypppperrrrrr!!!!!!!! im listening 2 the possibly greatest song ever! famous last words!!!! hellz yeah i love it!

......"honey if u stay ill be forgiving...."

 

great song....

i am eating a can of reeses desert topping sprinkles. tasty.very tasty.

 

".......i am not afraid to keep on living......."

and i am practically eating all of my root beer flavored lip gloss....tasty. very tasty.

",.......i see u laying next to me. with words i thought i'd never speak"............

i really should be doing the devils work....grrrrr (devil meaning my evil miget bitch of a teacher).....die bitch die!!!!!!

*ehem* song replays once again

......." but where's ur heart?"

yeah this journal is pretty damn pointless. if u dont like it PISS THE FUCK OFF!

 

lets see........who has a myspace? gimmie ur info stuff 2 add ya!

ahhhhhhhhh i feel all happy and bored rite now! grrrrrrr RAWR! ima tiger!!!! i think i kno y im so damn skippity do da!

1) i am listening 2 dead (new mcr song) on the most awesumest playlist, provided by the one and only cool razor2therasary (sorry i dont kno ur name)

2) i smell delicious chicken adobe being cooked! mmmmmmmmm

3) i just talked 2 my awesumly weird bf (YAY), steven and he played a really cool song 4 me on the guitar! wooohhhhhoooooooo

4)ummmmmmm well i think thats it....

grrrrrrrrr now i just thought of sumthing really depressing, i havent seen mcr live!!!!! ahhhh i may die if that is not fixed soon! i c so many journals about "omg! im going 2 c mcr!" and im like ahhhhh u lucky lucky lard!!!

im going 2 go write down sum mcr lyrics b4 my strangely peachy mood is completely gone! :) i love u boozenet people (lol boooooooooze-net)

<3 Ashley <3